“From Russia with Spuds” to “The King of the Culchies”, from “Shades of Fifty” to “Hay-shed romancing”, the 21st Bard of Armagh Competition presents a special feast of fresh, humorous and uproarious verse to celebrate its special birthday.
With 1000 patrons expected at the Armagh City Hotel on Friday 20 November for another night of hilarity and waves of laughter, this unique event has activated the ancient art of humorous versification like no other in modern times.
Since the first event held in Keady in 1995 before a small audience, the festival gained such immediate popularity that it was forced to go from venue to venue seeing ever larger premises until it became established in the City Hotel with its huge capacity.
Since its inception, over three hundred bards from every county in Ireland without exception, and ever growing participants from across these islands male and female of all ages and religions have graced the lectern at the finals, setting ever fresh standards of creative humorous writing and recitation and outstanding presentation.
The annual Bard night is an occasion when people switch off the relentless in-your-face TV world of Soaps and Talent Shows and go for a refreshing, uplifting experience of genuine home-made entertainment in keeping with the great traditions of the past.
The themes usually relate to ongoing controversies and topical issues of the day. For example, at the coming event Peter Casey from Co Clare will deliver his GAA related poem ‘Hey Mr Chairman!’ depicting the annual scene where committee members and players who complain all year still go with flow at the AGM and vote the same chairman in again. “Mr Chairman” will promise, but of course won’t deliver!
“And the players will train six nights a week and they’ll all give up the drink,
And we’ll bring in a sports psychologist to teach them how to think-
But you and me we both agree that the players won’t leave the pub
And the outside man with his 5 year plan will break our little club”
It also highlights tales of how well laid plans can go pear- shaped as Kerry Bard Sonia Elston tells of her meticulous preparation for a job interview then loses the car keys which triggers a monumental series of blunders. Keady’s seasoned campaigner Donal McKenna has dug into the lore of his local town and conjured up a much overdue poem about the celebrated art-form of lying.
“He had lied all over Ireland wherever liars could be found
Now I know he’s happy for he’s lying underground”
Then there is the art of the spell binding tongue twister, and Brookeborough’s Damien McGirr will be doing his utmost to keep the Bard title in County Fermanagh after the exploits of Seamus Carolan last year with his poem ‘Second Hand Handles’
Love poems have been one of the major themes of the Bard Festival of the festival and Sligo bard John McDonagh tells how “it’s never too late to look for love’
“It’s useful to mention, if you’ve got the pension, before your hormones started freaking,
You’ve gone past your prime and you haven’t much time until the radiator starts leaking,
Don’t be dejected, you can still get connected, someone may soon come along,
Perhaps a toy- boy all the way from Hanoi, or a thing in a thong from Hong Kong”
Another newcomer, Jennifer Herron from Larne puts forward a very convincing argument as to how and why dogs are more reliable than boyfriends and Dominic Bennett has to be among the favourites with ‘Now I’m in the doghouse’ This is a take on ‘Fifty Shades’ and the exasperated husband finds himself intoxicated and reminiscing about exploits of days gone by.
“Now the whiskey bottle is empty, I’m telling tales of yore,
Of how I marked Joe Kernan and he didn’t get a score”
In keeping with the non-conventional off the wall views of the world, Joan Rooney argues that a lot of what is dressed up and presented as ‘breaking news’ is nothing more than mere trivia and of no significance-
“Come on Tyrone! says Fr McKeown
Up Armagh! says Paul McGrath
Is it ten pin bowlin’? says Steven Nolan?
I think it’s rugger, says Alan Sugar
Kick her low, says Tommy Bowe
He’s not fit, says Joe Schmidt
Your man is trippin’, says Angela Rippon
Must be a free! says Opra Winfrey
Give him a yella! says Nelson Mandella
Send him off! says Bob Geldoff
Put him in the sin-bin! says Jeremy Corbyn
The ref’s a looper! says Henry Cooper”
And four times Bard winner Jimmy Rafferty from Loughgall has pulled the rabbit out of the hat once more with a gripping tale of espionage in the true James Bond style. ‘From Russia with Spuds’ is one of his greatest creations.
Great favourite Rob Barratt from Cornwall always gets a tremendous ovation and this year’s ode is another utterly clever spellbinder. ‘The troofa bout the Garra Rufa’ is a rare gem and Rob’s presentation is always impeccable.
“Garra Rufa, Garra Rufa
You’ve no need to use a loofah
They’ll nibble on your new veruca
And gorge on ageing hardened corns
And other growths your body spawns
A cooly callous callus feeder
A bold bloodthirsty little bleeder
A manky festering puss-filled bunion
Is to him like cheese and onion“
With folk band ‘Puzzle Find Pat’ performing uplifting reels, jigs and song, Master of ceremonies Pearse McBride with his exuberance, elegance and charm, there is no better place to be on Friday 20 November than in The Armagh City Hotel for the ultimate night’s crack of the year when sixteen accomplished poets will compete for the mantle ‘Bard of Armagh 2015’ and a share of the £3000 in prize money.
The finalists in this year’s Bard of Armagh are as follows:
The finalists in this year’s competition are as follows:
Paul Gallagher, Omagh, Co Tyrone. ‘The futility of gambling’
Rob Barratt, Launceston, Cornwall. ‘The troofa bout the Garra Rufa’
Jennifer Herron, Larne, Co Antrim. ‘Dogs are better than boyfriends’
John McDonagh, Ballymote, Co Sligo.’ Every dog has its day’
Donal McKenna, Keady, Co Armagh. ‘The special presentation’
Joan Rooney, Carrickmacross, Co Monaghan. ‘Any news’
Dominic Bennett, Glengormley, Co Antrim. ‘Now I’m in the doghouse’
Padraig McGinn, Carrick on Shannon. Co Leitrim ‘King of the Culchies’
Damien McGirr, Brookeborough Co Fermanagh. ‘Second hand handles’
Phyllis Murphy, Castleblayney, Co Monaghan. ‘Marry in haste’
Jimmy Rafferty, Loughall, Co Armagh. ‘From Russia with spuds’
Patrick Gormley, Draperstown, Co Derry. ‘Nick Evans’
Peter Casey Fanore, Co Clare. ‘Hey Mr Chairman’
Sonia Elston, Ardfert, Co Kerry. ‘Lost and found’
Patsy McDermott, Virginia, Co Cavan. ‘Learning to recite’
Tickets for the event are currently on sale in the following venues:
Armagh City Hotel
Mona McEntee Crossmaglen
House of Gold Monaghan
Gene Stewarts Dungannon
Tommy Makem Arts and Community Centre Keady
Or through the website www.bardofarmagh.com